I Write

I write you letters that I never send, because I'm not allowed to tell you how I feel.

At this point, I've written over two hundred of them. Some are better than others, but every one of them is an exploration of some aspect of my feelings for you.

And, just as my writing has grown and evolved in the years since I started, my feelings for you have, as well. And my understanding of your feelings for me.

At this point, I'm reasonably sure the invisible wall is the only thing keeping us apart. And even it is wearing thin.

So, what happens to these letters when we finally tear down that wall? I have to tell you about them. I won't start a relationship with a lie, even if it is a lie of omission. But just sending you to the archive (or printing you a book, as I do plan to do one day)…

It's a bit much, all at once. Plus I'll need to explain that I posted most of them to reddit, for all the world to see. And how, every now and again, a random redditor and I would circle around each other a bit, exploring the idea that maybe we may have found our person there. The idea that you and I had found each other there.

It's a bit much.

I feel like I'll need to dole them out gradually. Perhaps starting with this one. Along with one or two others, maybe some of the early ones. Show you how you've been affecting me for years.

But, will you let me do that? Would you be willing to be kept in suspense? Or once I tell you of their existence, are you going to demand to see them all?

If you do, I will show you. I'll point you to the website. And then I'll run and hide until you come find me. Out of… embarrassment… shame… fear of how overwhelming it might all be to you, even though you do love me.

And that's not even considering the lustful ones. A handful in particular. I have no way at all to gauge how you might react to those.

I mean. I hope you like them. I hope they turn you on. But…

It's a bit much.

Well, my love. One thing at a time. I'm still working on how to talk to you about these things at all. But, I will. We will. It's only a matter of time, confidence, and opportunity.

Our time will come.

Yours, always.
♒️